Love Heals All

My Name is 2011

CYCLES OF LIFE AND DEATH...MY FATHER'S TIME DRAWS NEAR

 

It is better to learn early of the inevitable depths,

For then sorrow and death

take their proper place in life...and one is not afraid.

Pearl S. Buck

The Journey Begins

The above quotation encapsulates the transformational change within our family during the time of my father’s passing. It was a late October afternoon when my Mother called and informed me in a remarkably calm voice,” Your father saw the doctor today and his cancer has returned…..this time in his lungs.” I was temporarily disarmed by her seemingly centered response. In those first few minutes my emotions were fragmented between deep concern for mother and an attempt to incorporate his diagnosis into my psyche. 

That fateful call was only the beginning. Just three months after my father’s  diagnosis my mother was rushed to an emergency ward and nearly died. Her lungs filled with fluids and her blood oxygen levels dropped from a norm of 80-90 to 40. A nurse called at 11:45 PM. Her voice was grim, “Your mother’s condition is deteriorating rapidly. We have ventilated her, but you need to prepare yourselves, we may not be able to stabilize her.” I kept asking her more questions, trying to keep her on the line. In a strange way, I was afraid to get off the phone because she was the only link to my mother’s deteriorating condition. We live over two hours away. I feared she might die before I could get to her. 

When we got to the hospital I was shocked at what I saw. My mother’s arms were purple from all the injections. She could not talk because of the ventilator and feeding tubes. She bravely mouthed the words, “Don’t worry I’ll be alright.” Her courage and will to live pulled her through. After several months of rehabilitation she came home on continuous oxygen. I was thankful that her wonderful spirit would bless my life for a while longer. However, my father’s future was not so bright and his health degraded as my mother fought her way through her own health challenges.

The Family Dynamic

Over the years mom and I had many conflicts to resolve in our relationship with Dad. He drank heavily, and had a domineering, controlling personality that made life at home unbearable at times. For many years I hated him. The memories of sexual abuse and all the suffering it caused made me shun him on every level. At one point I convinced myself that he was a sociopath and had sold his soul to the devil. To defend ourselves against his abusive behavior mom and I developed a “you and me against the world” co-dependency that helped us survive. After many emotional upheavals and years of therapy I began to see that he was as isolated from us as we were from him. Somewhere in life he had disassociated from himself and his deeper needs and wants. I began to lower my expectations of him. I eventually learned to accept the way things were. How could he be expected to connect with us? His drinking, smoking and over-eating anesthetized him and allowed him to remain comfortably unaware of the cause and effect of his life choices. 

Thankfully my spiritual development helped to transform my anger and resentment. Through time it became easier to accept that he needed to remain emotionally armored. I believe it was the only way he could mute his inner torment and deny unresolved emotional baggage. Through time my healing journey led me to a place where I was able to transcend the pain caused by his choices. I learned to accept him for who he was, rather than who I expected him to be.

His Candle Grows Dim

My father had managed to survive colon cancer two years earlier, but after the cancer returned in his lungs the family had to accept he was living on borrowed time. Mom now had two horrendous challenges to overcome.  It was difficult for my Mom to struggle with her own health problems while confronting the loss of her spouse of over fifty years was difficult  a difficult process.  The most difficult part was accepting that  there was absolutely nothing anyone could do to change things. 

A few days before my mother was to come home, my father called and said he could not make it at home alone any longer. In retrospect I cannot help wondering if he eft home so my mother would not have to watch his decline. On my way over to pick him up I knew he must be in rough shape. Throughout his ordeal, he had been determined to die at home. When I got there he was too weak to finish dressing himself. 

He lay on the bed and his breathing was so labored that for a moment I thought he might be dying right then. He kept saying, “This is awful, this is so awful.” When our eyes met I could see his fear and confusion. My heart went out to him and without consideration decided to lie down beside him. I gently stroked his graying hair and felt an overwhelming wave of sadness. He was suffering and all I could do was be there and try to comfort him. 

There was a time before recovering the memories of sexual abuse when bed was not a safe place to be. Lying with my father on his bed let me know that our past tribulations were truly forgiven, if not forgotten. Whatever happened in the past was far enough removed from who I had become. The immediacy of his needs became far more important than re-visiting old issues. It was a special moment that marked a milestone in my spiritual journey. 

When he had gathered enough strength he got up and packed what he needed for his hospital stay. Then he ceremoniously proceeded to draw the drapes and close all the windows. Finally, he sat down in his favorite chair and looked around the apartment. I will remember forever how the sun from the deck doors lit up the left side of his body. He looked old and very tired. It was very difficult to watch him. I sensed that he was trying to absorb what was left of his life here. After about a half an hour he broke the silence. “I guess its time to go.” He locked the deck door, pulled the curtains and took one last look around. Nothing was said on the drive to the hospital. We were both lost in our own thoughts.

The hospital was just across the street but he was too weak to walk so I put some personal needs items and drove Dad and waited while he was admitted. They planned to keep him for observation. My mother came home two days later to an empty apartment and the realization that my father was never coming  back. A week after he was admitted he suffered a mini-stroke. While visiting I would sit quietly and watch him fade in and out. I prayed he would not suffer and could just let go. Day by day bits of his personality began slipping away and as it did some amazing things began to happen. Dad and I started to respond to each other in mysterious and indefinable ways. 

His waning life force energy created a space where we were willing to risk experiencing each other in different ways. The irony of it all was that his illness was allowing us to open up to each other with more love, understanding and authenticity than either of us felt safe enough to share before. We were reaching out through an unspoken awareness of openness and trust. The process of dying was giving me a connection to my father that I had craved for a lifetime. He finally was allowing me to be there with him and for him in ways that were never possible before.

Shifts in Awareness

Slowly the mystery of the unfolding awareness began to make sense. As his body weakened it appeared to be awakening his spiritual nature. The guarded look in his eyes softened. I sensed that he could see the unconditional love I now had for him. The acceptance of my own growth and his inner metamorphosis allowed us to connect at a soul level rather than at a personality level the way we used to. This was a truly profound epiphany, and made the countdown to his final breaths easier to accept. 

The full extent of my forgiveness towards him was being given back to me in the gift of his less armored self. The time we were sharing gave me an opportunity to fully comprehend how much I had grown. The pain and emotional losses from the past were being transformed into something that was teaching me about the natural ebb and flow of living and dying.

Then just two days before he died we had a very special day. Even though his speech was impaired, there were times when he was easy to understand. I spent the afternoon sharing the good times I remembered. His brown eyes livened up a bit when I said, “Remember how much fun we had coloring on the floor while mom was making chocolate fudge for us—and how we often had to chisel it out or eat it with a spoon? How about the time you took me up for a ride in that little three-seater airplane?” Then there was the time you taught me to swim and dive and how we loved our summers at the lake? The bittersweet communication during my father’s latter days is something I treasure. At last we were relating in a way that I had craved for a lifetime. The memories are encapsulated like time in a bottle. 

Before I left that day hugged him and asked him if I was still his princess. The right side of his face was paralyzed and it was difficult to accurately read his expressions. But when I looked into his eyes and felt his response. I took that for his way of saying yes.  While kissing him gently on the forehead and asking him if he would kiss me back was a risk I was willing to take. I needed create enough meaningful connections with him to last a lifetime and time was running out. I moved close and waited. His upper lip moved just enough for me to feel his attempt to pucker up. To be really sure I said it was a kiss I said, “Can I have one more before I go dad?” Again the ever-so-slight brush against my cheek. 

Then our moment ended as he began to drift away to his own place again.  I took his hand in mine and sat with for a while longer and sang him a few of the songs he had taught me as a child. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray—you’ll never know dear how much I love you—please don’t take my sunshine away. The other night dear as I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms, when I awoke I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried. You are my sunshine—my only sunshine.” I choked up on the last few phrases, and rather than risk him seeing my tears I gently removed his hand from mine and got up to leave. He opened his eyes and said clearly, “Come back—bring Mommy.”

I said I would and asked him if was tired and wanted to sleep. He nodded his head and closed his eyes. That special Wednesday brought closure to a lifetime of confused feelings about my relationship with my father. The love for each other that had become so distorted and strained had somehow come full circle. We managed to express our love and forgiveness for all that was and all that wasn’t to be.

As I gathered my things I kissed him gently on the forehead. When I got to the  door I turned back two or three times. I wanted to imprint the image of him resting. I remember thinking to myself that he doesn’t look unhealthy—just peaceful. When I finally had mustered enough determination to leave, there was a nagging sense that his time was near. As it turned out, it was to be the last day he was coherent. 

The End Draws Near

The next day my father took a severe turn for the worse. His nurse did not expect him to make it through the night. The following day, my mother, husband and I sat at his bedside and told him everything was alright and it was okay for him to go. The staff prepared us for what is a natural part of the dying process. Rapid breathing then a sudden stop, rapid, labored breathing—then silence. The gaps and then quiet had us riveted. Was this the moment? Was he gone?

On two separate occasions the glassiness in his eyes cleared for a brief moment.  He seemed to re-connect with us—but just as quickly as he focused, his eyes clouded over again. He kept hanging on, and I could see that my mother was exhausted. We took her home and I came back and stayed until 10:30 PM. With an overwhelming fatigue coming over me I decided to leave. On the drive home I called the nurse by mobility phone. She told me she was with him and he was taking his last breaths. We turned back, but he was gone before we arrived. 

When I entered his room the silence engulfed me. For three weeks the sound of  his distressed breathing patterns had permeated the room—and now he lay there with his life force gone. I stood beside him, and knew there is nothing else I can do. With his eyes closed and his arms folded over his chest I kept expecting to see him move—or breathe. My mind had difficulty in grasping the finality of it all. A part of me kept waiting for the sound the thready familiar “aahh-haa-aahh-haa-aaha” sound of his breathing. But there was nothing. 

After giving me some time alone, David came in and hugged me. He looked at dad and commented that all his worry-lines were gone. I hadn’t noticed that, but it was true. We both believe he was already embarking on the next level of his soul’s journey. We said good-bye, took his things and headed back to our country home. We would wait until the morning to tell Mom that he was gone.

As my mother, David and I adjusted to his passing I felt deeply grateful for the inner healing and closure that resulted from his illness. David and I had a private ceremony for my father where we buried his ashes near a  peaceful lagoon just outside of our village. It is a place I love to go and we knew dad will like it. It is peaceful place where the water attracts a variety of birds and wildlife and loving the races the way he did we felt that he’d enjoy the ones grazing in a nearby pasture. 

Whenever I go there it reminds me of the everlasting bond I established with my father before he left. My book is about the horrendous amount of abuse I sustained within my relationship with my father. Undoubtedly, there is so much more I wish we could have shared together while he was still alive. However, out of his passing came a rebirth for both of us. I learned that he was not a demonic sociopath, as I once believed. No, he was simply a complex human being, full of shadows and light—just like the rest of us. 

The acceptance of these aspects of his personality re-framed my perception of him. It helped me honor him as a person, even the parts I may not have liked or understood. This emerging awareness is allowing me to respect the best and the worst in others and myself with less judgment. I am deeply grateful that the transformational shifts I experienced as a result of my father’s death brought me one step closer to learning to love more unconditionally. I am committed to continuing the process for the rest of my life.  

So Dad I thank you for playing the role of my nemesis while you were on this plane because I now understand it helped me become who I am and for that I have a soul love for you that transcends the pain and suffering. It is so true that when we forgive we set the captive bird or butterfly free and we are able to soar high with our own wings.

The photo below is a picture of David, Mom, Dad and me after David and I met in July, 1990. Both parents were happier and healthier then.

Re-framing the idea of failures..there aren't any if you learn something

In our counseling  sessions with clients many of them admit to living in fear. One of the big ones is fear of failure.In being 'there' and coming to 'here' I eventually developed the understand that there are no failures if the experiences teach us something. Many of the people who came up with  great ideas had to work through numerous setbacks and what some might call "failures" before they turned their dreams into reality.

The video below shares how many famous people worked through their challenges and continued along their paths until they got where they wanted to be. Re-framing failures sets us free to live without regrets. Knowing that everything that did or did not work our provided experiential learning and shaped who we are today liberates our thinking so we can live without fear of "failure."


May each path you choose bring promises
of the things you’re dreaming of
May your world be filled with Peace and Joy
and Your ❤Heart❤ be filled with Love
Peace Love Respect

 ~The Dreamers ~

They are the architects of greatness.
Their vision lies within their souls.
They never see the mirages of Fact, but peer beyond
the veils and mists of doubt and pierce
the walls of unborn Time.

Makers of empire, they have fought for
bigger things than crowns and higher
seats than thrones.

They are the Argonauts, the seekers of the priceless fleece--The Truth.
Through all the ages they have heard the voice of destiny call to them from the unknown vasts.

Their brains have wrought all human miracles.
In lace of stone their spires stab the Old World's skies and
with their golden crosses kiss the sun.

They are the chosen few the blazers of the way, who never wear a doubt's bandage on their eyes.
Who starve and chill and hurt, but hold to courage and
to hope, because they know that there is always proof of truth for them who try ~ that only cowardice and lack of faith can keep the seeker from his chosen goal, but if his heart be strong and if he dream enough and dream it hard enough, he can attain, no matter where men failed before.

Walls crumble and the empires fall.
The tidal wave sweeps from the sea and tears a fortress from its rocks.
The rotting nations drop off Time's bough, and only things the dreamers make live on.

They are the Eternal Conquerors their vassals are the years.

♥ ♥ ♥ ~ Herbert Kaufmam ~ ♥ ♥ ♥

I CAN! (Music: VIVA! by Bond)

Diversity and the Examined Life

I  believe,that diversity is a part of the natural order of things as natural as the trillion shapes and shades of the flowers of spring or the leaves of autumn.

I believe, that diversity brings new solutions to an ever-changing environment, and that sameness is not only uninteresting but limiting. To deny diversity is to deny life. With all its richness and manifold opportunities.
Thus I affirm my citizenship in a world of diversity, and with it the responsibility to...

Be tolerant. Live and let live. Understand that those who cause no harm should not be feared,
ridiculed, or harmed - even if they are different.

Look for the best in others. Be just in my dealings, with poor and rich, weak and strong,
And whenever possible to defend the young, the old, the frail, the defenseless.

Be kind, remembering how fragile the human spirit is.

Live the examined life, subjecting my motives and actions to the scrutiny of mind and heart
so to rise above prejudice and hatred...Care.

CHANGING TIMES AND EMERGING SELF-AWARENESS

We are living in changing times and with all the panic about what the coming of 2012 will bring I believe that there are many are becoming more awake and alive.  Buddhism teaches that we need to break free of what they call "conditioned existence and unlearn the faulty knowledge we have gained based on current and even previous lifetimes for those who subscribe to that idea.

This has to do with dealing with misconceptions of ourselves and others, as well as our expectations of ourselves and others too. It's important to think  about expectations and what they are based on. Societal, familial, cultural, religious or any other mind set that may  be undermining our ability to think outside and beyond the box of existing beliefs. 

There are so many people who are fighting themselves and others over old hurts, resentments, wars, power struggles and anything else that blocks the ability to love, honor and respect differences. We have lived with polarity and duality far too long. If we are to truly realize our highest potentials. We will be able to do that when we awaken to the realization that with enough love we could resolve all our human rights and global concerns. David and I live with a motto to "love more!"

It is time  to release all the noises of voices around us and within us and develop the spiritual clarity to live from heart and Source-centered awareness. Let us break free from the dictates of the "shoulds, right/wrong,/black/white and towards unity, cooperation and consensus within our Oneness. 
 
Within this here and now it is time to accept that there isn’t one way to do  things. There’s always multiple ways to do them, and sometimes some radically new ways to do them.  Many of  old systems don’t apply anymore. They no  longer work for you, but they are what so many have  been taught and hold onto. For others we believe it is time to disengage from  self-limiting beliefs, anarchy, dictatorships and many of the delusions that come with them. 

The outer is always a reflection of our inner landscape and everything we need to know comes from within. Our task is to center, relax, release, open and allow ourselves to receive the spiritual clarity that comes within. 

Dream Big You will Have it!

A CHANCE TO OD THINGS OVER...WOULD YOU DO ANY OF THESE THINGS?

I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers. 

I would eat more ice cream and less beans. 

I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer  imaginary ones.

You see. I would not live seriously  and sanely hour after hour, day after day. 

. 

In fact, I'd try to have nothing else, just moments, one after 

another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. 

I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a 

thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute.

If I had to do it over again, I would travel lighter than I have. 

If I had to live my life over, I would start barefoot earlier in  the spring and stay that way later in the fall. 

I would go to more dances. 

I would ride more merry-go-rounds. 

I would pick more daisies and stop and smell more flowers.

What a perfectly good day this is for starting over, for living 

fully, for using each moment up completely, wringing every drop of 

life from it before jumping headlong into the next.

It doesn't need  to be cluttered with excuses, avoided with pretense or muddied with  regret. 

I would not take myself or others so seriously.

I would exercise more and sit at my computer less.

It just needs to be lived, embraced and savored. 

May you always be willing dance in the rain, make angels in the snow and hug more people.

I would remind myself more often that happiness is our spiritual birthright and worry about the future or regretting the past eclipses our joy in the "now" of our experience. 

If I had a chance to do things over I'd dance more and worry less because today is the today we worried about yesterday and all is well right here...right now. 

Until the next time,May your day be filled with all things good. 

Here is another thought provoking idea. Think about it and let me know what you would do if you had to live your life over again or what you plan to do to improve the quality of it right NOW!

I CHANGED MY BELIEFS...AND I CHANGED MY LIFE AND SO CAN YOU!.

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy

Whatever you assume to be true..

will become real for you.

--Dr. Robert Anthony

The work we do could be loosely defined by a workshop David and I first presented in 1991 called.. “Change Your Beliefs…Change Your Life.”  We developed it on the basis that what you become what you believe…not what you wish for, want or dream about…but what you truly believe! One of the ideas we present to clients is that if they don’t change their beliefs their life might remain the same forever. Then comes a hard truth to confront; is that good …or bad news? 

After years of training in the human potential movement and self-development field we consistently see how beliefs move us forward …or hold us back. It is something David and I continually evaluate both personally and professionally. After experiencing many transformational changes we have committed our lives to assisting others.  We offer techniques that  improve the quality of their lives so they can also discover   inner peace, balance, order and harmony rather than continuing in patterns of struggle, strife and pain. 

It has become more commonly understood that  people move towards whatever they picture in their minds…and believe to be ‘true’ whether it makes sense to anyone else or not. Our position is this; if the image works then by all means keep doing and believing it. However, when unwanted circumstances keep repeating it may be time to pause and ask why.  So often people lament and cry out in anguish; “Why is this happening to me AGAIN!”  In our observation they often spend time in evaluations, assessments, criticisms, judgments, opinions, convictions, laws, rules, procedures, schemes and of course making up their minds!  Once their minds are made up and a set of beliefs are formed there is usually a loud clunk, it is the sound of their minds closing shut.

With those individuals we have found the best way to approach things is to either let them be…or use my husband’s skydiving analogy  that the mind is like a parachute…it works best when open. The more we open  our minds the more we learn. Even if we’re not doing it ‘right’ there is still a lesson there…how not to do it the next time!  Thoughts and beliefs shape behaviors, words actions and circumstances but do not make people what they are. However, they do reveal who they have chosen to be up to that point.  There is an undeniable reality that we continually act upon our thoughts and those actions create our experiences.   For some the challenge to take complete responsibility for the consequences of their choices making is a difficult process.  Many refuse to acknowledge that the only real limits are created through self-limiting attitudes and behaviors.

Within the human condition it is often easier to blame others for where they are. However, as awareness develops it becomes easier to understand and accept that we are the writer, director, and producer of the ideas, and images that become belief systems.  No one can have a feeling without first having a thought. 

Behavior is based upon feelings and they affect thoughts and beliefs.  With our approach we do not focus on changing behavior…but suggest changing thought patterns and take an ‘inside out’ approach rather than the other way around.  To some it may sound somewhat simplistic…but there are growing bodies of evidence that when we change beliefs life changes and usually for the better! Carl Jung put it this way; “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside dreams…who looks inside…awakens! I could not agree more. It is the reason I wrote my testimony of hope...because as I changed my beliefs..it changed my life and it can work for you too!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

BUTTERFLIES AS MESSENGERS

I found this poem amongst my mother's possessions shortly after she passed away on April 20th, 2005. It felt like a message from her that she had safely made her transition to the next realm and was flying free with her own wings. 

If anyone desires a wish to come true

whisper it to a butterfly.

Butterflies do not make any

sounds and cannot tell--

anyone but Great Spirit.

By making a wish

then releasing it to the butterfly--

on gentle wings

the wish will be carried

to the heavens—then granted.

For butterflies

are the living messengers

of  Great Spirit.  

This photo was the last one taken of her. Mom's birthday was Christmas Day and David and I had picked her up from the personal care home she was in to take her our for dinner.  We put her in front of the angel lights to serve as a reminder to us that her time was near and she would be getting her wings in the not too distant future..and she did. 

ACKNOWLEDGING THOSE WHO ASSISTED ME IN WRITING AND PRESENTING I'VE BEEN THERE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

My Testimony of Hope…I’ve Been There would not have been possible without the many people who shaped my life and encouraged me to write my life story.  In my earlier life the first acknowledgment goes to my family of origin…especially my mother Edwina Kathleen (Howells) Cunningham and father Greg Allan Salmond Cunningham.   

During my daunting experiences with them I set out on a quest to look beyond the appearance of things, discover my own answers and live an authentic life.  Had life been ‘easier’ that may not have occurred.  This book would not have come to fruition without the strong belief my life and business partner David Malloy has in me to set my heart/mind on most anything and achieve it. His presence in my life and unwavering support and belief in me is a blessing and gift that keeps on giving.

Special thanks are due to long time friends Anne and Tom Ostry, Sandy Carriere, Carole Allister and Anna Olson for helping me to believe in the merit of this book.  I also appreciate other friends who patiently reviewed the manuscript and offered feedback and encouragement:   John and Dina McAmmond, Staci Jensen, Dayna from the Laurel Center and Ruth Minneker.  When friend and mentor Ray Torgrud read my manuscript validated it provided some wing beneath my wings. Ray assisted me in launching my career in writing, hosting and producing talk shows. His ethical approach to communicating ideas in factual unbiased created a framework for how I communicate ideas to this day. Having Ray endorse my book kept my motivation up.

Thanks also go to the clients and participants we have connected with through our personal development company Fresh Beginnings (www.fresh-beginnings.com.  During “appropriate disclosure” about my healing journey they continually stated that “this story needs to be told” and I am grateful for how they planted the seeds to help me actually do it. 

Appreciation goes to the team at the Quality of Course Writing School:  Alex Myers, Gilda Freitas and tutor Mike Morella. Their excellent training and constructive critiques improved my writing and marketing abilities. Alex has always makes herself available to me and has provided a lot of direction and encouragement.  I am grateful for her time, interest and belief in this book.  

This book would not be where it is today without some friends David and I have never met in person. We came together when we created the   Fresh Beginnings social forum on the Ning Network and we have successful created an online family.   www.freshbeginnings.ning.com.  Willow, Marie, Victor,  Margaret and Victor read the book prior to publication and offered reviews and encouragement.  

Victor and I had previously met on the Mylot social forum and during that time I was struggling with how to get I’ve Been There into circulation and finish up the final edits. He offered to help with the edits and design a website to promote it. Victor truly is a prayer answered and I continually tell him so. David and I have lasting appreciation for Victor’s unwavering commitment to the Fresh Beginnings forum and the launch of the website for this book...www.ibtbook.com.  Victor gives of himself, his talent and creative abilities in unconditionally loving ways.  I am deeply touched and grateful his generosity and belief in this book and for the way he showcased it on the website he created.

 The fact that David and I have not met these latter day friends I person but they have become such an important part our lives   confirms our belief that everyone is connected in mysterious and wondrous ways within this One-Song of life. The soul family connections we now enjoy are healthy, loving and honoring. It has been said friends are the family God forgot to give us and David and I know that to be true in our case.

Thank you…one and all and may we all continue to create fresh beginnings and happy endings for many years to come.

I believe that there can miracles when we believe and we must never give up until they occur. 

Love, light and blessings,

Coralie Raia Darsey-Malloy'

Divine Purpose.mpg